Jesus loves the little children...and then what?

How can a gay man exist in a conservative Christian environment? As a gay man growing up in this space in the 1980s, I was constantly frustrated in trying to find a space where I belonged. My identity was trapped in the paradox of acceptance: according to Christian beliefs, everyone is a sinner, only “saved by the grace of God,” but homosexuals are more sinful than others and implied to be unworthy of acceptance in Christ’s house. Although I felt the human need to feel accepted and connected, I found that this space of perceived mercy burned with threats of fire and brimstone.

Using movement exploration, music, images, text, and video, I will show my experience of non-heteronormative sexuality within these religious spaces. I will examine the fundamental connection that exists between spirituality and religious dogma just as strongly as the connection between physical movement and codified movement vocabularies, including ballet, Graham, Horton, and Laban. Without spirituality, there is no religion, just as there is no codified technique without movement.

Throughout the process, I will use hymns, songs from my religious upbringing, scripture, and Christian sayings as a layered soundscape. The reliving and re-remembering of pivotal faith moments in my life will be investigated and utilized in the creation process. Through sharing my excavated memories and multilayered development, I will prompt the witnesses to ask themselves, “Will I hold space for myself if no one else will?” Holding space for others and showing acceptance are acts of kindness and love, so how does the trauma of severed connections and intentional distancing manifest in the body? My work demonstrates the continual process of moving through painful ideological memories, a catharsis rather than a perfectly solved problem.

My thesis uses dance to investigate how a gay man exists in a conservative Christian environment. As a gay man growing up in this space in the 1980s, the struggle to find a space where I belonged was constant. There is a human need to feel accepted and connected. The Christian belief is that everyone is a sinner, but we are “saved by the grace of God”; how is it that some are more of a sinner than others? In a perceived space of acceptance, the fire burns hot and threatening. With these questions, I am observing how the body responds with verticality, the direction of energy, spiraling movement, and the connection to the ground.

Through movement exploration, music, images, text, and video, I will share my experience of non-heteronormative sexuality within these religious spaces. I will examine the connection of spirituality to religious dogma in relation to physical movement and codified movement vocabularies. I will work with hymns I played on the piano for the church during the offertory and “call to altar.” Scriptures, as well as text, will be a layered soundscape throughout the process.

Through sharing my excavated memories and multilayered development, I ask the witnesses to ask themselves, “Will I hold space for myself if no one else will”? Holding space for others and showing acceptance are acts of kindness and love. Although human connection is essential for mental, emotional, and physical health, what does it mean when a connection is severed and distance is intentionally created? Can we create more love instead of more despair? If God is love, God is everywhere, and I am made in the image of God, then I must be love.

DOI: https://doi.org/10.25820/e1ts-2a12